Whether youâre an introvert or extrovert, communication is a big part of every aspect of your life, and knowing how to talk to people in any situation gives you the advantage of leaving a better first impression. One thing that many people forget is that in reality, only half of communicating with others is speaking, the other half is listening. One University of Missouri report found that most people spend 30% of their time speaking and 45% of their time listening when communicating. It then goes on to state that most people are inefficient listeners, often because they are inattentive or think about what they would like to say next, rather than processing what the other individual is saying. There are many steps that we can take to improve our capability to be attentive and to ensure better understanding and communication.
What Makes a Good Listener?
Most people can think much faster than the other person can speak, and this means that your mind often wanders while youâre listening to someone else. Itâs unlikely that you were trained to truly listen to others, especially in school at a time when so many teachers lecture as part of education. Most people believe that being attentive is simply not talking when others are speaking and demonstrating that you are paying attention, through facial expressions or verbal cues. While these are important aspects, to be a good listener, there are more specific skills to practice and adopt:
- Support the other person by creating a safe environment for open dialogue.
- Create an active conversation; one in which you not only hear the information but also ask clarifying questions to enable a give and take in the dialogue.
- Avoid focusing on winning an argument, be willing to see the otherâs point of view.
- Make tentative not dogmatic suggestions to solve the problem and open up alternative solutions.
- Be non-judgmental during the conversation. That means be aware of your own cherished opinions, judgments and rigid points of view.
Good listeners are attentive during the conversation, allowing other speakers to take their time. When you listen, you donât pull out your phone or look around for something more interesting. Having the ability to speak well doesnât make you a good listener, however, being someone that listens well can give you the right to speak because you appear thoughtful, empathetic and authentic.
What is âActive Listeningâ?
Many people listen passively. That is, we take in the message without really concentrating on what is being said. We form our own arguments while we are still getting the information and dive in with a rebuttal. Some people just drift off and forget to listen to the information as the speaker drones on. When you lose focus on what is being said, you may not get the right message. If youâve ever been on the receiving end of this, you will understand how demoralizing it is not to be heard.
Being attentive involves not just the words that are being spoken, but the tone, pitch, speed, use of vocabulary and non-verbal cues that the speaker is communicating as well. Taking in all those components is known as active listening. This involves letting the speaker know that youâre engaged with their message, through your own verbal and non-verbal cues. When you listen actively, you donât jump in with your own message until after you are absolutely sure that the speaker has finished talking.
How to Improve Your Skills?
These skills are vital to every relationship. Professionally, it doesnât matter where you are in your career, you can benefit from being an engaged listener. People want to be heard. Even if you disagree with someone, if you listen to their underlying message, you can often find common ground to move forward through actively paying attention to what is being said. Even if you think you are a good listener, you can always find ways to improve your skills. Here are some tips:
Show You are listening
Open your posture and use facial expressions to demonstrate that you are attentive. You could also nod slowly, or make occasional verbal affirmations. Maintain eye contact with the speaker when possible, and be present without looking for distractions. âBeing presentâ is a difficult skill for most people as the mind wanders every few minutes. One technique is to realize right in the conversation that your attention has drifted to your own thoughts and to keep pulling yourself back. Another way to stay in the moment is to focus on the words that the other person is saying. At work you could ask to take notes so you can jot down the important details.
Paraphrase or Summarize
When the speaker has finished, before making interjections of your own, you could paraphrase what you think the speaker just said, using his key words not yours. This shows that you were paying attention, but more importantly, it gives you a chance to make sure that you and the speaker are on the same page. Sometimes, speakers may not present their message well, you might have missed the key point, or some other miscommunication may have occurred. Paraphrasing their argument, and asking if you have understood it correctly, helps prevent these blocks in further discussion.
Ask Open-Ended Questions
Practice the skill of digging deeper to get more information. You should ask questions that make sense in the context of the conversation, and use your questions to get more in-depth information. Instead of asking questions that can be answered with a simple yes or no, or repeatedly âyes buttingâ and pitching your argument, itâs really important to get into the speakerâs mind by asking questions that start with, âwhy, how, tell me aboutâŚ, could you explain, help me understandâŚââ. If you find yourself taking something personally, seek feedback. Questions such as: âDo I understand this correctly?â âIt sounds like youâre sayingâŚâ âDo you meanâŚ?â accomplish this.
Keep an Open Mind
In debate, your purpose is to argue against the other personâs opinion. On the other hand, the capacity to listen isnât about confrontation or arguing but about being attentive. You canât spend the time thinking about what you want to say when youâre actively engaged with what someone is saying. Keep in mind that the issue is important to the speaker, in the same way your point of view is important to you.
Donât Interrupt
Itâs rude to interrupt another person, because it tells the speaker that his message isnât important. Donât finish the other personâs sentences, even when there is a pause. People think and speak at different rates, and any interruption will disrupt his thoughts, make him nervous or send him off on a tangent. Other disruptive ways include displays of emotion, talking loudly or showing disagreement with facial expressions.
Treat the Speaker how You Would Want to be Treated
Think about the people in your life who seem to really listen to you. This is often because they respect you, and treat you with that respect. You should always treat others in a way that makes them feel listened to. Be sure to voice your own opinion respectfully, and be empathetic.
Active Listening Benefits Your Relationships
At work and at home we can all fall into bad habits and forget to listen actively. Since being attentive is such an imperfect human skill, we would all do well to remember that more gets done when people communicate effectively, and a good listener can change the course of a conversation. The speaker may present the message, but if itâs not heard correctly, it doesnât matter what was said.
These skills take time to master, but offer great rewards. They are important in every aspect of your relationships, both professional and personal. To learn more about the communication aspects of image consulting, for personal or professional reasons, contact London Image Institute for more information.
