What Is Personal Space?
We all live inside a personal space bubble that shrinks and expands depending on our relationship to the person with whom we are speaking. However, we guard our personal space as though we owned the air itself, and anyone who tries to breach the barrier uninvited feels like an invader. Under attack, our lower brain (Amygdala) goes into flight or fight. We run away, or apologize and back off, or fight back.
Paul Eckman, well known for his work on lie detection and emotions has documented the scope, height, and breadth of our four personal zones. These zones follow a complete capsule including the sides, back, front, area above our heads and below our trunk to the floor.
- Intimate zone: Touching to 18”. Reserved for intimate relationships, family and good friends.
- Personal Zone: 1.5ft. to 4ft. Friends, colleagues, and people we know well.
- Social Zone: 4ft-12ft. Speakers and teachers, strangers on first meeting, well-populated public spaces, restaurants.
- Public Zone: Auditoriums, sports arenas, airports and large department stores, malls.
This invisible protective zone around the body defined by the modern term “personal space” is actually a defensive mechanism inherent in the DNA not only of humans but also of other animals. According to neuroscientists, the brain creates a buffer zone around us that varies in size depending on specific circumstances. Animals use it to protect themselves against predators. Humans use it as a defense against physical and social threats. The same protective use of space enables us to effectively grasp and use tools without endangering people and objects around us.
It has been long assumed that dominant figures require more individual space, but in fact, people surrounding them often become nervous and back away, leaving only trusted intimates close by. On the opposite end of the spectrum are those with dyspraxia, a neurological disorder that affects motor skills such as coordination of movement. These individuals often inadvertently invade the individual room of others because they do not have a sufficient degree of control of the room around them. The interesting thing to keep in mind is this tip: when speaking publicly, the wider and more naturally you reach with your arms into your individual space, the more confident you seem.
What to Do When Someone Invades Your Personal Space
We invade each other’s individual space in crowded situations all the time and the level of discomfort to the invasion can vary depending upon the circumstances. Standing jammed together on a crowded elevator, bus or train or sitting on a plane next to a large person who overflows into your seat are more intrusive examples of invading personal space. We deal with the situation by retreating into our own thoughts, fixating on our phones or practice swinging from a pole on a bus while reading a book! On an elevator, we search above or straight ahead to find personal room that has now changed shape. We avert our gaze to avoid the psychological discomfort of actual human interaction with a stranger who has suddenly become an intimate! In these circumstances, most people have their own little coping mechanisms and notice how quickly we dive for open space or the luxury of our own seat.
#1 Discuss Limits
With friends and family, you can pre-set limits to forestall negative invasion of personal space scenarios. For instance, when you need a short break at home, inform the others in your household that you do not want to be disturbed. Let your friends know when they should refrain from phoning or dropping by for visits. Preemptive limits such as these, if tactfully imposed, can prevent blowups and help maintain peace among those you know and love.
#2 Let It Pass
I was once sent to a specialist who had no idea that several times during the consultation he stepped in too close when explaining procedure not examining me. I backed away but his own comfort zone was much smaller than mine and I felt really uncomfortable. Before I reacted to an invasion of my personal room, I decided that I wouldn’t ever see this specialist again. He was manifestly unaware of my limits, and ignorant of our cultural and patient-doctor norms. The invasion was momentary, so I thought it was best to let the moment pass rather than calling the doctor out.
#3 Speak Up
Sometimes when our personal space is invaded, we have no alternative but to take action. The passive-aggressive approach may only lead to further injury. Under these circumstances, speak up and unemotionally and clearly let the intruder know that they have surpassed your limits. Once you have corrected them, make sure that they follow through on respecting the limitations you have stipulated. Otherwise, you may have to be more straightforward in specifying what you expect from them in the honoring of your own space. If it persists it can degenerate into sexual harassment and needs to be reported. Some companies have taken the further step to provide an anonymous hotline since before the “Me too” movement employees had very few resources to appeal to.
Personal Space Etiquette
Observe Body Language
There are differences in individual room preferences between relatives, friends, acquaintances, and strangers. People who live in crowded cities also tend to require less distance than those who are used to more open areas. However, generally keep at least four feet of room between yourself and a stranger or someone you don’t know well. Check whether your assessment of distance is correct by observing body language. At a networking session, if someone steps into your Intimate to Personal zone, try moving slightly to the side rather than backward which looks more obvious.
Follow Guidelines in Public
Numerous other guidelines that you should adhere to in public are simply matters of common sense. For example, don’t touch anyone else’s belongings. Knock first before you enter a room. Respect those standing in line, and don’t attempt to cut in front of other people. When you are driving, maintain a comfortable distance between vehicles, and always avoid tailgating no matter how irritated or in a hurry you are. In public seating, leave a seat between you and a stranger unless the room is crowded. We never think of smells as invaders but they can be. Keep perfume and aftershave extremely light as some people are badly allergic and many have to cough, sneezing and blocked sinuses.
Respect Boundaries in the Workplace
Even if you have worked in a place for years and know your colleagues well, professionalism in the workplace requires that you follow personal space etiquette. This is imperative especially if you work in an open office environment or side-by-side with others in cubicles. Follow company guidelines regarding individual relationships. When someone is busy, respect their need for a quiet time to meet a deadline, and enter someone else’s workspace only if you are sure it is permissible.
There are small things you can always do, especially at work, to notify people without confrontation that they are invading personal space. Let anyone know not to lean over your shoulder to read something without your approval. If people are talking loudly right next to you, playing loud music, or having noisy cell phone conversations, ask them politely to dial it down. If it persists, bring it up to your manager as your issue (not a general office complaint) and that you would value cooperation because it affects your work and your concentration.
